I Just Don’t Know…

As I’ve said I don’t know how many times in the past blog posts I hate not having control.

There is nothing more vile to me then having to utter with some genuine heartbreak, “I don’t know”.

And yet I know nothing.

Sure, I can do long division. I know the history of the American revolution. I know how Star Wars Episode 5 ends.

But I don’t know how to have the perfect life, how to have a life of no regrets and complete happiness. I don’t know… and that’s ok.

Recently I confessed to my mother something I’m still not comfortable discussing with others, even anonymously.

I thought she’d be mad and horrified that I’ve thrown my life away, or at least I’ve thought of it like that for months.

It turns out, even if she is mad, she can be very helpful sometimes.

Who knew a mom could actually be helpful huh?

I’m still trying to learn how to be happy again with a complete 180 happening on my life’s apart direction.¬†It’s a struggle, constant and warlike in nature. Some days are harder than others, while once in a while I can actually find the strength to smile through.

I still have a long way to go.

But as it turns out I can get excited, even if briefly, about what lies ahead.

Sometimes giving up on one distinct course of life, even if it is solid, sensible, and safe, can set you up for a world of possibility. You just have to see the forest for the trees, and have the patience to find the one that whispers dreams and pleasant thoughts to you.

ūüôā

My Life So far

My life so far has been full of mishaps, misturns, mistakes, and missed chances.

But at the same time, it’s been full of joy, success, learning, growing, and change.

Still trying to cope with that last one, lol.

Today, after giving you a week to adjust to me, my writing style, and the things I like to talk about, I want to give you a closer look at my life.

It’s not all glam and joy believe me.

Once upon a time a little girl decided she going to fly fighter planes.

Or, more correctly, a high school sophomore realized in a panic she had no way of paying for college, no useful skill set, and no idea what she wanted to do with her life. So she decided to try to get into the Air Force Academy, then figure things out as she went.

After a summer vacation convinced her it was time to buckle down to work, especially if she wanted to get into one of the top engineering schools in the nation, she returned her home to her darling mother and told she wanted to go to a school that would put her in the military.

To my mother’s credit, she neither fainted, nor screamed, nor dropped anything breakable.

So, immediately after this the young girl joined this neat little organization called Civil Air Patrol. There, she learned she did have some interesting skills. She was good at military drill, at learning historical facts, studying leadership, making friends, and was the greatest perfectionist to ever join CAP.

Yup, the military lifestyle suited her just fine.

But after a long and arduous journey, nothing happened.

Ok, not true, a lot happened.

She met her best friend at a military prep school she got into when she didn’t get into the actual academy right after high school.

Then she had her heart crushed when she didn’t get in.

She tried to enlist in the Air Force, but couldn’t meet weight standards, so she gave the prep school another go.

And got her heart broken again.

So here she is trying something completely different instead.

She’s getting married.

That’s right, somewhere in between a college breaking my heart and trying not to flunk Calculus I started a long distance relationship with a guy I met through Civil Air Patrol (funny how those things go).

It’s been two years since we’ve met and now he’s moving out to live with me and my family.

I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen, and I’ve by no means told you everything, but It’s kind of exciting to see where things will go.

In the mean time though, I’m going to enjoy this very sparkly engagement ring on my finger and keep hoping and praying for the best, while trying not to stress about the worst.

“You will be secure because there is hope; you will look about you, and take your rest in safety. You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid, and many will court your favor.” Job 11:18-19

 

 

 

 

Childhood Memories

Cappuccinos.

Homemade Cappuccinos.

Well, I suppose the way my mother made them they were more like mochas. She always put extra sugar and chocolate syrup in for us little kids.

I would feel so grown up on Sunday mornings as I sipped my espresso beverage from my tiny mug that matched my Mother’s tea set.

I learned to count to twenty those Sunday mornings while one of my parents ground the coffee beans for the cappuccinos.

It was as much a part of our routine as church services.

Though admittedly a tastier one.

Now that I’m old enough to make my own, I always get a warm feeling inside recalling how this love bordering on an unhealthy addiction started.

I can’t wait to have my own kids so that I can continue this ritual of the Cappuccino with them.

Including the tiny mugs.

ūüôā

What childhood memories have come to define your life, and how you will or do raise your kids?

Is It a Bad Thing to be Antisocial?

So, as I write this I’ve been hiding in my room for the entirety of the day.

As I didn’t wake up until 10:30, this hasn’t been sooo long, but still.

My mother had another family over, and every one is being all social and stuff, but…. yeah… I’m up here in my room typing blog posts, cleaning my closet, cleaning my room, and playing on youtube (Malinda Kathleen Reese. Go look her up).

My point is I’ve been what some might call “antisocial”.

Here is the situation though.

  1. I’ve been away at school for a year and a half of the two years my parents¬†have lived in this area.¬†I. Don’t. Know. People. Here.
  2. This particular family didn’t have anyone remotely close to my age for me to even attempt conversing with. For goodness sakes, the oldest is 6 years younger than me!
  3. I’m a little preoccupied with, you know, planning my life, prepping for an upcoming¬†job interview, the usual unemployed 20 year old stuff.

So I’ve been down stairs like twice to get food, said hi, was nice, then bowed myself out again after grabbing a supply of rations.

Is that so wrong?

I don’t know… I’m a social person, I like talking to people, but I do have actual stuff to do and even if I was down there I’d have no one to talk to.

I feel like if you have no one to BE social with in the first place, you’re not so much being antisocial as being excluded.

But that’s just my opinion.

What’s yours?

 

Hakuna Matata

Every child who has ever been¬†born since 1994 has heard the phrase “Hakuna Matata”. Heck, every child since then has seen the Lion King, knows the songs, and probably has had some major phase in his or her life where said child pretended to be a lion 24/7 for at least three days in a row (probably more like 3 months).

My sister always loved this song, and since the Lion King soundtrack was my first CD ever, attained at the age of five, we had every song and lyric memorized before we knew the multiplication table.

However, I could never really associate myself with a song about “no worries”.

Rather, my all time favorite song was (and still is) Prepared.

Ah yes, my sweet five year old self could not get enough of a song about plotting murder, power, control, and dictatorship.

I was not exactly a disturbed child… just too smart for a five year old.

Blame the homeschooling.

I understood Scar was the villain. How could I not when¬†we literally¬†see him kill his own brother, and order the death of his nephew (spoiler!). I didn’t really understand him on a psychological level. He was the whinny overlooked youngest, and I was the power wielding oldest. But I did sympathize with his need for control, and desire to be recognized as great, as a leader.

His song, despite the parts about murder and conquest, embodied that need and as a little child singing it you start to feel that dictatorial power. You yearn to have control, to be that powerful.

A child’s world is naturally out of control. You can’t do anything on your own, or at least it feels like that. A desire for control is natural (or so all the experts say).

My problem is that I’ve clung to that need for control well beyond my childhood, as I think much of my generation has.

You hear so many people take about anxiety disorders, depression, suicide rates.

Some blame the affect of GMOs and chemicals on the body; some blame the pressures of a screwed up educational system.

But what if it’s just control? Or rather, the desire there of?

When you’re in school you rely on your teachers to tell you what to do.

When you live at home your parents tell you what the plan is.

You control very little except your reactions, your feelings.

However, as a teenager, you’re told you don’t even have proper¬†control of those either.

This is the problem, but is there a solution?

I’m not a psychiatrist, and my intention for this post is not to¬†disclose all¬†the problems of the world or give you an answer for any of them.

What I ask is that you, dear reader, think about your life.

Do you yearn for control, or are you comfortable going with the flow?

Do you have peace of mind not know what the day will bring, or do you need a color-coded schedule, with a purpose for every hour planned two days in advance?

What is your biggest fear?

That might be going a little deeper than just pure control, but honestly my biggest fear is not being in control.

This really sucks when I’m NOT in control of anything, which I’m not and I have to deal with that every. single. day.

My motto will never be “Hakuna Matata”, there’s no way I’ll be worry free enough for that.

However, I’m learning to let go of that need to be “Prepared”, or at least am finding smaller outlets for it so it doesn’t control or apply to the entirety of my life.

Maybe one day¬† I’ll be able to skip that song when listening to my dear Lion king soundtrack…

Oh who am I kidding, that’s never gonna happen. It’s a great song!

ūüôā

What power craving ballads can you just not stop listening to?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nothing But Words

I’ve never been very good at introductions, I’m not good at talking about myself which is why I’m probably so desperate to do just that. It’s probably why I read so much as well. I long to find words that describe my exact situation and¬†what is happening to me without me having to say a thing.

The truth is I’m a very selfish person, but as the oldest I can’t be. I can’t demand things, and sometimes¬†it seems my only purpose in life is to prove I’m not a total screw up and keep my siblings on the straight and narrow.

If that is true, then I’m not very good at being the oldest.

I’ve tried blogging before but I wasn’t very good at it. It was a random compilation of nothingness that I started only because I was looking for a way to be recognized by the world.

Perhaps that still is my reason.

But beyond that, I guess I want to anonymously tell my troubles and triumphs, so I can receive help without fear, and congratulations without feeling guilty for seeking attention and recognition.

At 20 years of age I’ve yet to¬† figure out my life.

The plan I had for my life since I was 16 has crumpled into nothingness, with three consecutive years of rejection and failure to attain the keys to that life, despite almost five years of prepping, studying, and planning.

My failure was not due to lack of trying, but that makes it all the harder to bear.

I made a vow to myself and my fianc√© that this year, because I am such a¬† goal oriented control freak (see comment about five years planning for one lifestyle), I would not make any New Years Resolutions. I will not say “here’s what my life will be like in 6 months, 8 months, or a year”.

Rather, I will say this.

“I will give myself permission to find happiness, to do what makes me happy. I give myself permission to write whatever story I want and damn the opinions of others. I will let myself feel loved and love in return. I will not worry over things I can’t control.”

Life is not a highway with milestone and road maps, lines and markings we can check off as we go pass.

Life is never what you want it to be, but you can make it better.

So here I am, a 20 year old pretending I know something when in actuality I know very little.

And I’m ok with that.

Or I’m learning to be at least.

So dear reader, if you do exist, I hope you don’t mind coming with me for the journey.

“Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” Matthew 6:34