I Just Don’t Know…

As I’ve said I don’t know how many times in the past blog posts I hate not having control.

There is nothing more vile to me then having to utter with some genuine heartbreak, “I don’t know”.

And yet I know nothing.

Sure, I can do long division. I know the history of the American revolution. I know how Star Wars Episode 5 ends.

But I don’t know how to have the perfect life, how to have a life of no regrets and complete happiness. I don’t know… and that’s ok.

Recently I confessed to my mother something I’m still not comfortable discussing with others, even anonymously.

I thought she’d be mad and horrified that I’ve thrown my life away, or at least I’ve thought of it like that for months.

It turns out, even if she is mad, she can be very helpful sometimes.

Who knew a mom could actually be helpful huh?

I’m still trying to learn how to be happy again with a complete 180 happening on my life’s apart direction.¬†It’s a struggle, constant and warlike in nature. Some days are harder than others, while once in a while I can actually find the strength to smile through.

I still have a long way to go.

But as it turns out I can get excited, even if briefly, about what lies ahead.

Sometimes giving up on one distinct course of life, even if it is solid, sensible, and safe, can set you up for a world of possibility. You just have to see the forest for the trees, and have the patience to find the one that whispers dreams and pleasant thoughts to you.

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Nothing But Words

I’ve never been very good at introductions, I’m not good at talking about myself which is why I’m probably so desperate to do just that. It’s probably why I read so much as well. I long to find words that describe my exact situation and¬†what is happening to me without me having to say a thing.

The truth is I’m a very selfish person, but as the oldest I can’t be. I can’t demand things, and sometimes¬†it seems my only purpose in life is to prove I’m not a total screw up and keep my siblings on the straight and narrow.

If that is true, then I’m not very good at being the oldest.

I’ve tried blogging before but I wasn’t very good at it. It was a random compilation of nothingness that I started only because I was looking for a way to be recognized by the world.

Perhaps that still is my reason.

But beyond that, I guess I want to anonymously tell my troubles and triumphs, so I can receive help without fear, and congratulations without feeling guilty for seeking attention and recognition.

At 20 years of age I’ve yet to¬† figure out my life.

The plan I had for my life since I was 16 has crumpled into nothingness, with three consecutive years of rejection and failure to attain the keys to that life, despite almost five years of prepping, studying, and planning.

My failure was not due to lack of trying, but that makes it all the harder to bear.

I made a vow to myself and my fianc√© that this year, because I am such a¬† goal oriented control freak (see comment about five years planning for one lifestyle), I would not make any New Years Resolutions. I will not say “here’s what my life will be like in 6 months, 8 months, or a year”.

Rather, I will say this.

“I will give myself permission to find happiness, to do what makes me happy. I give myself permission to write whatever story I want and damn the opinions of others. I will let myself feel loved and love in return. I will not worry over things I can’t control.”

Life is not a highway with milestone and road maps, lines and markings we can check off as we go pass.

Life is never what you want it to be, but you can make it better.

So here I am, a 20 year old pretending I know something when in actuality I know very little.

And I’m ok with that.

Or I’m learning to be at least.

So dear reader, if you do exist, I hope you don’t mind coming with me for the journey.

“Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” Matthew 6:34