I Just Don’t Know…

As I’ve said I don’t know how many times in the past blog posts I hate not having control.

There is nothing more vile to me then having to utter with some genuine heartbreak, “I don’t know”.

And yet I know nothing.

Sure, I can do long division. I know the history of the American revolution. I know how Star Wars Episode 5 ends.

But I don’t know how to have the perfect life, how to have a life of no regrets and complete happiness. I don’t know… and that’s ok.

Recently I confessed to my mother something I’m still not comfortable discussing with others, even anonymously.

I thought she’d be mad and horrified that I’ve thrown my life away, or at least I’ve thought of it like that for months.

It turns out, even if she is mad, she can be very helpful sometimes.

Who knew a mom could actually be helpful huh?

I’m still trying to learn how to be happy again with a complete 180 happening on my life’s apart direction. It’s a struggle, constant and warlike in nature. Some days are harder than others, while once in a while I can actually find the strength to smile through.

I still have a long way to go.

But as it turns out I can get excited, even if briefly, about what lies ahead.

Sometimes giving up on one distinct course of life, even if it is solid, sensible, and safe, can set you up for a world of possibility. You just have to see the forest for the trees, and have the patience to find the one that whispers dreams and pleasant thoughts to you.



Is It a Bad Thing to be Antisocial?

So, as I write this I’ve been hiding in my room for the entirety of the day.

As I didn’t wake up until 10:30, this hasn’t been sooo long, but still.

My mother had another family over, and every one is being all social and stuff, but…. yeah… I’m up here in my room typing blog posts, cleaning my closet, cleaning my room, and playing on youtube (Malinda Kathleen Reese. Go look her up).

My point is I’ve been what some might call “antisocial”.

Here is the situation though.

  1. I’ve been away at school for a year and a half of the two years my parents have lived in this area. I. Don’t. Know. People. Here.
  2. This particular family didn’t have anyone remotely close to my age for me to even attempt conversing with. For goodness sakes, the oldest is 6 years younger than me!
  3. I’m a little preoccupied with, you know, planning my life, prepping for an upcoming job interview, the usual unemployed 20 year old stuff.

So I’ve been down stairs like twice to get food, said hi, was nice, then bowed myself out again after grabbing a supply of rations.

Is that so wrong?

I don’t know… I’m a social person, I like talking to people, but I do have actual stuff to do and even if I was down there I’d have no one to talk to.

I feel like if you have no one to BE social with in the first place, you’re not so much being antisocial as being excluded.

But that’s just my opinion.

What’s yours?