My life so far has been full of mishaps, misturns, mistakes, and missed chances.
But at the same time, it’s been full of joy, success, learning, growing, and change.
Still trying to cope with that last one, lol.
Today, after giving you a week to adjust to me, my writing style, and the things I like to talk about, I want to give you a closer look at my life.
It’s not all glam and joy believe me.
Once upon a time a little girl decided she going to fly fighter planes.
Or, more correctly, a high school sophomore realized in a panic she had no way of paying for college, no useful skill set, and no idea what she wanted to do with her life. So she decided to try to get into the Air Force Academy, then figure things out as she went.
After a summer vacation convinced her it was time to buckle down to work, especially if she wanted to get into one of the top engineering schools in the nation, she returned her home to her darling mother and told she wanted to go to a school that would put her in the military.
To my mother’s credit, she neither fainted, nor screamed, nor dropped anything breakable.
So, immediately after this the young girl joined this neat little organization called Civil Air Patrol. There, she learned she did have some interesting skills. She was good at military drill, at learning historical facts, studying leadership, making friends, and was the greatest perfectionist to ever join CAP.
Yup, the military lifestyle suited her just fine.
But after a long and arduous journey, nothing happened.
Ok, not true, a lot happened.
She met her best friend at a military prep school she got into when she didn’t get into the actual academy right after high school.
Then she had her heart crushed when she didn’t get in.
She tried to enlist in the Air Force, but couldn’t meet weight standards, so she gave the prep school another go.
And got her heart broken again.
So here she is trying something completely different instead.
She’s getting married.
That’s right, somewhere in between a college breaking my heart and trying not to flunk Calculus I started a long distance relationship with a guy I met through Civil Air Patrol (funny how those things go).
It’s been two years since we’ve met and now he’s moving out to live with me and my family.
I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen, and I’ve by no means told you everything, but It’s kind of exciting to see where things will go.
In the mean time though, I’m going to enjoy this very sparkly engagement ring on my finger and keep hoping and praying for the best, while trying not to stress about the worst.
“You will be secure because there is hope; you will look about you, and take your rest in safety. You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid, and many will court your favor.” Job 11:18-19
Well, I suppose the way my mother made them they were more like mochas. She always put extra sugar and chocolate syrup in for us little kids.
I would feel so grown up on Sunday mornings as I sipped my espresso beverage from my tiny mug that matched my Mother’s tea set.
I learned to count to twenty those Sunday mornings while one of my parents ground the coffee beans for the cappuccinos.
It was as much a part of our routine as church services.
Though admittedly a tastier one.
Now that I’m old enough to make my own, I always get a warm feeling inside recalling how this love bordering on an unhealthy addiction started.
I can’t wait to have my own kids so that I can continue this ritual of the Cappuccino with them.
Including the tiny mugs.
What childhood memories have come to define your life, and how you will or do raise your kids?
I’ve never been very good at introductions, I’m not good at talking about myself which is why I’m probably so desperate to do just that. It’s probably why I read so much as well. I long to find words that describe my exact situation and what is happening to me without me having to say a thing.
The truth is I’m a very selfish person, but as the oldest I can’t be. I can’t demand things, and sometimes it seems my only purpose in life is to prove I’m not a total screw up and keep my siblings on the straight and narrow.
If that is true, then I’m not very good at being the oldest.
I’ve tried blogging before but I wasn’t very good at it. It was a random compilation of nothingness that I started only because I was looking for a way to be recognized by the world.
Perhaps that still is my reason.
But beyond that, I guess I want to anonymously tell my troubles and triumphs, so I can receive help without fear, and congratulations without feeling guilty for seeking attention and recognition.
At 20 years of age I’ve yet to figure out my life.
The plan I had for my life since I was 16 has crumpled into nothingness, with three consecutive years of rejection and failure to attain the keys to that life, despite almost five years of prepping, studying, and planning.
My failure was not due to lack of trying, but that makes it all the harder to bear.
I made a vow to myself and my fiancé that this year, because I am such a goal oriented control freak (see comment about five years planning for one lifestyle), I would not make any New Years Resolutions. I will not say “here’s what my life will be like in 6 months, 8 months, or a year”.
Rather, I will say this.
“I will give myself permission to find happiness, to do what makes me happy. I give myself permission to write whatever story I want and damn the opinions of others. I will let myself feel loved and love in return. I will not worry over things I can’t control.”
Life is not a highway with milestone and road maps, lines and markings we can check off as we go pass.
Life is never what you want it to be, but you can make it better.
So here I am, a 20 year old pretending I know something when in actuality I know very little.
And I’m ok with that.
Or I’m learning to be at least.
So dear reader, if you do exist, I hope you don’t mind coming with me for the journey.
“Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” Matthew 6:34