Down to the Water I go again

Hoping to wash my sins again

Hoping I’ll finally be spotless


But lo the line is long

The water running low

I receive glares instead of sympathy


I tremble and hide

In the bushes hide

And feel invisible to all


I am not welcome here

The others make that clear

So I slip away silently alone


Why do they scorn me?

Why do they dispel me

Out into the cold and the dark?


I look at my hands

see nothing but red

and the rags I wear are dark


Is it the colors they hate?

The appearance they hate?

No, I saw others darker than I


I don’t belong here

This pond is not mine

My eyes become falls and I’m blind


I hear a soft noise

A calming noise

I look up and see above me a lamb


It’s soft white wool

It’s little felt ears

and eyes that look into mine


It turns its tail

Its little white tail

And clambers up a rocky trail


I follow it slowly

Tired and worn

I have no where else to turn.


Then at the hilltop

I stand on the hilltop

And feel a playful breeze


I look down at a valley

Full of strangers I know

And it is here that I belong


Hakuna Matata

Every child who has ever been born since 1994 has heard the phrase “Hakuna Matata”. Heck, every child since then has seen the Lion King, knows the songs, and probably has had some major phase in his or her life where said child pretended to be a lion 24/7 for at least three days in a row (probably more like 3 months).

My sister always loved this song, and since the Lion King soundtrack was my first CD ever, attained at the age of five, we had every song and lyric memorized before we knew the multiplication table.

However, I could never really associate myself with a song about “no worries”.

Rather, my all time favorite song was (and still is) Prepared.

Ah yes, my sweet five year old self could not get enough of a song about plotting murder, power, control, and dictatorship.

I was not exactly a disturbed child… just too smart for a five year old.

Blame the homeschooling.

I understood Scar was the villain. How could I not when we literally see him kill his own brother, and order the death of his nephew (spoiler!). I didn’t really understand him on a psychological level. He was the whinny overlooked youngest, and I was the power wielding oldest. But I did sympathize with his need for control, and desire to be recognized as great, as a leader.

His song, despite the parts about murder and conquest, embodied that need and as a little child singing it you start to feel that dictatorial power. You yearn to have control, to be that powerful.

A child’s world is naturally out of control. You can’t do anything on your own, or at least it feels like that. A desire for control is natural (or so all the experts say).

My problem is that I’ve clung to that need for control well beyond my childhood, as I think much of my generation has.

You hear so many people take about anxiety disorders, depression, suicide rates.

Some blame the affect of GMOs and chemicals on the body; some blame the pressures of a screwed up educational system.

But what if it’s just control? Or rather, the desire there of?

When you’re in school you rely on your teachers to tell you what to do.

When you live at home your parents tell you what the plan is.

You control very little except your reactions, your feelings.

However, as a teenager, you’re told you don’t even have proper control of those either.

This is the problem, but is there a solution?

I’m not a psychiatrist, and my intention for this post is not to disclose all the problems of the world or give you an answer for any of them.

What I ask is that you, dear reader, think about your life.

Do you yearn for control, or are you comfortable going with the flow?

Do you have peace of mind not know what the day will bring, or do you need a color-coded schedule, with a purpose for every hour planned two days in advance?

What is your biggest fear?

That might be going a little deeper than just pure control, but honestly my biggest fear is not being in control.

This really sucks when I’m NOT in control of anything, which I’m not and I have to deal with that every. single. day.

My motto will never be “Hakuna Matata”, there’s no way I’ll be worry free enough for that.

However, I’m learning to let go of that need to be “Prepared”, or at least am finding smaller outlets for it so it doesn’t control or apply to the entirety of my life.

Maybe one day  I’ll be able to skip that song when listening to my dear Lion king soundtrack…

Oh who am I kidding, that’s never gonna happen. It’s a great song!


What power craving ballads can you just not stop listening to?