Dealing With Pain

I never really suffered from grief as deeply as other members of my family. Death has just seemed a natural part of life. I miss people who die, of course, but I’ve never felt severe depression or grief because of death.

Loneliness is my pain.

I don’t mean being at home alone, or out somewhere by myself. I like my quiet moments alone, and goodness knows I have very few of those now and in future will have hardly any at all.

I mean loneliness as it deals with the isolation of a soul. Feeling like you have no one with you or to talk to or who you can share things with.

Loneliness as it is when you have no friends, no one who likes you or likes spending time with you.

When I was little I didn’t have a lot of close friends. We’d move a lot, and often lived a ways away from other homeschoolers or parish members.

But there were people who’d talk to me.

There weren’t exactly no cliques, but they were more like people who just knew each other really well but could still socialize with other people outside their small group. They knew how to be nice to everyone, even if they knew only a select few people really really well.

Now, no one talks to me.

I have two very close friends, one of which I’m beyond happy to call my fiancé.

But here, where I live and the places I go. Church, school, work, Friday nights I’m free… I have no one.

After church on Donut Sundays I sit in the basement with my donut and my juice or milk and watch the little kids run and play, the adults talk and mingle at table after table, and the young adults get in their small groups, heads together, discussing things only their group knows, things only they understand. No outsiders allowed.

At school all the kids know each other already. They’ve all been at this particular school for years, possibly went to high school together. I’m the weird transfer student who missed friend making year and the intro classes. Those who are older and returning to school don’t really care about making friends with the tiny college students ten years young than they. They have jobs, businesses, families, their own circles.

Who am I supposed to talk to?

Am I supposed to talk to someone?

Well, I’d like to… I’m not a crazy social person, but there are days I feel an overwhelming sense of dissatisfaction and unhappiness. A feeling of not belonging.

I have no one, and no activities or clubs here that I can enjoy and make me feel like I’m a part of something.

There’s so many things out there, so many medications for grief, counseling options…

What do you do when you’re only a twenty-something and feel more like an abandoned grandma whose kids never visit and the community thinks is an anti-social nutcase?